Times are Hard

"I hate square one... I don't want to go back. Times are hard; I believe prayer can help me, but it's been a long time coming and I'm losing hope... Maybe the turmoil will give way to one night's reprieve and my secret strength will pull me through the rest." --Nina


   I just wanted to give a brief description of what the past two days have been like for me. I've been waiting for my day off (tomorrow) to see a general practitioner about my illness and a possible gastroenterologist referral for Celiac Disease testing. I'm not really nervous about the visit itself, because I feel that I have developed a better understanding of my body and symptoms through blogging and paying more attention. With the worsening of my symptoms over the last couple of months, I've really had no choice but to confront the illness head-on. It has really consumed my life. I spend all of my time, thoughts and efforts on it; It has become my main focus and my top priority. It's the least I can do for myself after so long. My only fear is remaining undiagnosed longer than I already have. I need a diagnosis before I can ever find relief, and I'm tired of waiting to feel normal while my symptoms worsen. This fear has taken over my mind this week - it's hard to describe.
  The past couple of days have been bad for me. I've had to work both days, and each night I've had painful bowel cramping like I have to go really bad but my body isn't ready to. So I just wait out the cramping until I'm able to use the bathroom, which lasts late into the night. The mornings become shorter due to lack of rest. And as a result of being stuck in the bathroom in the mornings, too, I've been late to work both days. When I got to work I felt extremely weak and have been feeling the urge to faint. I've been shaky, and today I ended up in the bathroom dry-heaving within the first thirty minutes of my shift. Then I've have to feel the bowel cramping all day at work too, which has been miserable. I've found myself hunched over in pain several times, unable to stand up straight. But when your 'higher-ups' expect you to be a top performer at all times, and you don't have a name for your illness... there is no room for excuses. I wanted to 'call in' sick this morning, but I don't like the idea of 'calling in' unless you're 'can't-get-out-of-bed' sick. Luckily my job was light-duty anyways and I started feeling better towards the end of my shift.
    By the time I get home, I'm feeling awful again. I go straight to the couch and lay down while my special guy brings me the Pepto-Bismol. My appetite has decreased, so I have to push myself to eat so I won't have hunger pains on top of everything else. I've lost weight, which is very noticeable on my small frame. Everyday on break at work I've had people questioning my food choices, poking fun at what I've been eating or shouting "Surely you aren't on a diet, you skinny thing!" It's very obnoxious, to say the least. Although I keep to myself, people still find a way to be rude.

   In other news, I did go to Big Lots today and was excited to find several all-natural, gluten free products on their shelves. I was in there for an hour reading ingredients and browsing, and I found some cool stuff that I'm really interested in trying. I haven't been confirmed as being intolerant of gluten, but after that pita bread incident, I don't want to take any chances of doing more damage to my body. Better to be safe than sorry.

   I don't know what's going on with my body, and I'm sure a diagnosis is further down the road than I'd like it to be, but I'm still welcoming the bright side of life and finding things to smile about everyday. I know that as my body weakens my mind gets stronger, which means that there is still some good in this.

   Wish me compassion and understanding from intelligent doctors!