Trapped

   My work schedule changed a bit this week, and within the past two days I've only had about 5-6 hours of sleep including a 2 1/2 hour nap I took after work yesterday. As a result, my food intake has been kinda rough. It was the last (and most painful) day of my fodmap elimination trial. My bowels loosened up and of course it couldn't go smoothly, it had to kick my butt. I'm bloated again (it never fully went down) and it's not getting any better. Everything about today has been full of pain, frustration and exhaustion. Early this morning when I finally forced myself out of bed for work, I was so sick to my stomach that I started dry heaving/gagging like crazy. But my stomach was empty and nothing came of it.
   At work, while my co-workers worked at a regular pace, laughing and having fun, I was suffering silently in the backdrop - struggling to stay focused and keep up, hiding my swollen belly as not to look pregnant and start hurtful rumors. I insist on wearing a loose shirt when I'm so bloated - I've had some people criticize my 'belly' to each other and, while I pretended not to hear out of humiliation, it didn't feel good. So I try not to draw attention to it.
   My biggest vexation is to appear and feel physically or emotionally weaker than the average person. It's the one thing I'm constantly trying to avoid and distract from. So when I'm sick, hurting, upset... no one knows. I'm not sure why I'm like that... I didn't used to be this way. Maybe it's pride. And it's good in that it combats the feeling of vulnerability, but it's not very helpful when everyone around you holds you to the bar you set for yourself on one of your good days. One month, your illness let up just enough for you to do a fantastic job at work, now you're damned if you don't perform at a steady rate. When you're trying your best to keep up with a disadvantage, but it's just not good enough. These are the things that devastate me.. that go against everything I want for myself.

   The perfect end to a perfect day: I hurt my knee about 3 months ago training in Hapkido, and it's been randomly tricky ever since. Every once in a while, pain will spike through my knee and it locks up. As usual, I just swallowed the pain and didn't really bring it up. I had a class today, and I always train a bit before I even go. But one wrong move, and it was all over for me. I couldn't do much else (as far as training goes) after that. My special guy agreed that I shouldn't go to class tonight, and maybe not for a couple of weeks until my knee feels better. He was right, but I got so frustrated. To feel so weak and pathetic contradicts who I am inside. I feel like a strong, competent person trapped in this fragile shell. It's what I love about martial arts - it makes me feel powerful. But here I sit, waiting for my guy to return from Hapkido class, wondering what I'm missing and wishing I could keep up - knowing that I'm capable of so much more.

   It's now 9pm, and I made it through the day. But my spirit is broken... wrapped up in myself and all the commotion in my body. It may seem self-centered to the outsider looking in, but to me it's survival. What happens next...? I think a weekend trip to my hometown in Tennessee is in order. Maybe there is something there waiting for me... to make me feel alive!