It's been almost a month since I started taking Dicyclomine for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It hasn't been easy, either. I struggled with it from the beginning due to the dosage of 3-4 times per day at least 30 minutes before meals. Eating sporadically has been my natural instinct for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I didn't have a steady meal routine, and as my health worsened, so did my ability to follow routines. Battling my digestive organs at all hours of the day has made it impossible for me. So I was only able to take it 2-3 times a day at the most, and timing it right was difficult because I'm so forgetful. I have to stop in my tracks, run to my locker half an hour BEFORE break time, take my pill and then go back to work until break time just to eat a small portion of food and make it through the next 3 hours. But my job is fast paced, busy and requires all of my focus, so most of the time I end up taking it less than 30 minutes before eating, which is not encouraged. After about a week and a half of taking Dicyclomine, I started experiencing anxiety and felt like I was completely out of my right mind. I stopped taking it for a couple of days and felt more like myself. I resumed taking it, but reduced dosage to 1-2 times a day depending on what I eat. And that's where I am now. It's not a very reliable means of symptom control. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't work at all. I never know for sure if it's going to be effective, which kinda defeats the purpose. However, any relief for any amount of time is like gold for me. I had forgotten what 100% felt like until I tried this medicine. It had been soooo long since I had a symptom free day, and I've had couple just this month. It's precious to me. And I'm like a different person on those days. I laugh and smile so much more; I catch myself in this carefree euphoria and I just close my eyes and breathe in deep, thinking "Healthy feels so wonderful. How blessed I am for this moment". I'm so grateful for those days, to just catch my breath and get a break from this burden... it's what I've wanted for so long - a break from the hell. So it feels like I'm not on a medication for symptom relief... It's more like a medication for short, random symptom 'breaks'. If I take too little, it doesn't work. When it doesn't work, I get really frustrated and it stresses me out causing my symptoms to worsen. If I take the recommended dosage, I go 'insane-in-the-membrane' and can't function. I haven't found my happy medium yet, but I'll be thrilled if and when I finally do. I was told to report back to my doctor if I wasn't satisfied with this particular medicine and we'd try something else. But I don't think I should give up on it just yet, since this first month was a bit shaky. Every IBS case is different, so I am aware I'm not following dosage as I'm expected to, and I definitely want to give it a fair chance.
But I have had other things distracting me from proper IBS treatment, like the knee injury I sustained from martial arts a few months back. I didn't take it as seriously as I should have so It has worsened over the past few weeks, adding more stress to my day-to-day life. I've had to take two weeks off from martial arts to give my knee time to bounce back, but it's looking like I'm going to need a lot more time off than that. And maybe even time off from work, or at least light duty. My job can be pretty strenuous at times, so it hasn't had time to heal and my performance has suffered. I've had to stop strenuous exercises as well, so my cardio is lacking. I've had to trade my stationary bike cardio for stationary boxing cardio. Even grocery shopping has become more frustrating in that it seems like people are constantly shoving past me, causing me to twist my knee without thinking twice.
I've experienced a few other misfortunes this month, but I'll spare you the snooze-fest. Needless to say the past few weeks have been a little rough. But even though my body is working against me, the fighter in me refuses to let go. I've been through a lot, and as a result, I've become a stronger person. I'll always have bad days that bring me down and tear me to pieces, but the more I go through, the more resilient I become because I see myself growing with every struggle and I can't help but appreciate that. It may sound silly, but I can't help feeling like all this struggle is preparing me for something much bigger. I've felt that way since I was a little girl. God made me different and I ask him why everyday, even though I know He won't answer a moment too soon.
